content warning: this entry is probably a vent. if not, it definitely borders on that kind of thing. viewer discretion is advised
this is a really shitty first entry to put out following the new year. and it sucks that i'm even deciding to write it at all, honestly. i'm just at a stalemate, and being this bad again is exhausting. i am so tired.
as someone with borderline, i'm pretty used to highs and lows. sudden and intense ones, at that. i'll have days where i can flip my mood on a dime and go from feeling awful and refusing to move from my spot in bed to spontaneous and happy and wanting to spend time with everyone and yay yay yay happy yay! i saw a funny post on social media where someone who also dealt with bpd described being able to do this exact thing, and i went to go find it while writing this so i could quote it right. "...you remember that you have borderline personality disorder and can change your emotions on command".
this rings true, but i really wanna talk about reading a specific comment that really resonated with me. i can't find that one again, but it was something like "but after i do it, it's like i go on cooldown and feel like a numb husk". i'm adlibbing, but... yeah. that's exactly how it is for me. cooldown is objectively the most dorkish autist word you could've picked, but i think it works better that way.
when my brain does this, i feel bad, but not regular 'mentally ill' bad. just... nothing. i feel nothing at all. i want to do things, but i don't want to do anything. i want to talk to everyone, but i don't want to talk to anyone. i hate that. it's not a fun state of mind to be in, and i wish i could be in the up/downs of my usual disorder over... this.
the reason i bring this up is because it feels like i haven't had a chance to get out of this kind of state of mind lately. this is because my life itself is fluctuating rapidly as opposed to my emotions. i was so happy to finally be done with my last surgery, and then a bunch of shit happened. and then i was feeling good again, and then more shit happened. shit happened again. i was finally feeling good again yesterday, and then more shit happened today. it just feels like i can't win, no matter what i do.
and i am lacking support. severely. i seldom get to go to therapy because i just can't afford it. i don't have the energy to try to connect with my partners for help because they're universes away. one partner who i share a timeline with is there for me, but there are times when they can't be. the other one is dead. so few of my friends even care anymore, and maybe i can't blame the ones that don't. did i have this coming, in some way? is this my fault? is this the way things are going to go out? with a weak fizzle?
people stop talking all the time. i guess i just never expected it to happen to us, let alone this fast. i have to wonder if it matters at all to you anymore. is this temporary like you say it is, or is it a way to quietly quit our friendship? because if it's not worth anything to you, then i guess that's okay. as of lately, a lot of things aren't worth anything to me anymore either. i don't feel especially bad saying all of that, because i know you don't go on my site. i know you don't care for a lot of the things that i do now
i haven't been in an actively unsafe situation since... i can't remember. because my plurality is traumagenic, i haven't seen my alters nearly as much these past two or so years. and i worry that all this dissociation is going to bring things back. it's going to rip seams that took years to sew back up, and i'm going to lose an absurd amount of my life again. i'm not ready to go back to something like that again.
i just want things to be okay again. and i don't know if that's going to happen in a reasonable timeframe. i want it to get better soon, but i just feel like that's much too optimistic. with the way things are looking, the most i can really do is prepare myself for the worst. i think i can already feel my brain doing it.
listening to: devils - stomach book