trigger warning for alter dormancy (akin to death, probably)
wow. not what i was expecting to write next, but. it's been a night. hopefully my next entry will be about the cool fun concert i went to instead of something like this.
galapagos (for the fish) was one of darles’ favorite songs. it was off an album entitled “split”, co-created by both pat the bunny and ceschi. i’d shown it to darles before we’d even started dating because he mentioned he liked folk punk, and i’d argue it was a major factor in bringing us together. we listened to the entire album together shortly after i’d started making an effort to get closer to them as an individual, and they loved it. the entire thing. they especially loved prison sporks, all dogs go to heaven and — of course — galapagos.
galapagos has always been a sad song. i’ve cried when listening to it before; it’s one of those tracks that makes your stomach drop and your vision unfocus when the opening riff starts. the subject matter is undeniably sad. but, it’s different now. horrifically different. i associated it with darles because he loved it. now i associate it with darles because he loved it, and he’s gone now. just like the person ceschi is singing about.
i feel so weird grieving him. i feel like a picture of a picture of grief, like i’m being watched through two different perspectives within each other. i hear my grandfather is gone, and that doesn’t do much to me, at least not that i can notice. when i grieve darles, everything i feel seems so picturesque and fake. even if i know that it’s not. missing him comes and goes, in bouts. it’s like a wound that never really heals. it’s like a lot of my health problems, in a way. i ignore it for a while but then something happens or triggers me to think about it again, and i spin out of control all over.
i do not know what that says about me, or my character. i don’t know the last time i told my therapist, and i know i should. it’s just so hard to talk about. my chest gets tight and i get this disgusting sinking feeling inside of me that stays there until i manage to forget about it. maybe that hole is always there. darles was a core part of my life that i built so much of my existence around. they introduced me to fictionkin, they stood up for me, they were there for me. that was their entire **job**, as an alter. it’s like losing a mental mobility aid, in a way.
i feel kind of shitty for saying it, but it only makes sense that darly and rodger have filled that void, in a way. obviously not completely; there are a multitude of things they can’t accommodate like darles did, simply because they’re separate individuals with their own lives and their own bodies. we weren’t thrown out together from the same universe and forced to grow up alongside one another and support each other.
i don’t know if darles is ever going to come back. that’s the scary part of being plural. these beings that i’ve known my entire life could literally just disappear someday, because my brain decides they aren’t useful anymore. they’re forever lost in some distant folds of my brain, doomed there for the better part of forever unless i’m nichely triggered to pull them out of storage to be used again. the optimistic part of me wants to hope that darles is somewhere else. back in pink city, or in the veins of the internet. maybe acorn acres. or even the fucking hotel, or the circus, for fuck’s sake. anything is better than being condemned to some desolate void like that. i don’t know what it’s like. i don’t ever want to
i hope darles is in galapagos, their remains in paradise. somewhere warmer than connecticut, and somewhere where the gas is half the price. i hope i can remember them as they were. i want them back, breathing and selfish as ever
listening to: galapagos (for the fish) - ceschi