great fucking hells has it been a month for me. like holy shit. things are constantly happening. so many things. some of which are wildly inconvenient
as i mentioned in the end of my november entry... i was set to have my big, super substantial surgery this month. december 5th, to be specific. and it was SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. oh my god, i was ripping my hair out. screaming and crying and thrashing. i thought my recovery for the first one was dreaded and annoying and terrible and awful, but this. it's like they cranked that shit up, like, 500%. i would recover from my first surgery 3 times over than ever deal with something like this again.
this entire paragraph and the one following it will be health talk, probably. kind of vulgar health talk at that. idgaf it's my blog my first surgery, which was a simple kidney stone removal to prep me for the one i had recently, was uncomfortable. i couldn't sleep on my right side - of which my body happens to favor - for a week, that sucked. the pain sucked. having to guzzle down an obnoxious amount of liquid every day sucked. but at least it WRAPPED UP. it was ROLL CREDITS, THE END. this surgery, the reconstruction of my right ureter, was just a bitch to me. through and THROUGH. i fought recovery and what i think i can say was non-stop pain for the entire month of december. to be ultra specific, tmi levels of specific, the surgeons inserted a stint into my ureter to ensure everything healed well. that's all fine and dandy, but the thing is that it caused some of the worst side effects i had EVER been victim to.
constant urgency. literally nonstop. "i have to piss right now oh my god hurry". all the time. 24/7. no matter what position i was in. walking, standing, sitting, laying. it was so bad in the first week of recovery that i called my nurses REPEATEDLY to make sure that everything was, like... okay? because what the fuck do you MEAN this is an incredibly common side effect. why the fuck is my URETHRA searing when that thing is all the way up in my kidney tube, or whatever. the only position i could find that offered some semblance of relief was back flat, legs up and spread like i was having contractions. and i despise sleeping on my back for an amazing reason (comorbid autism and ocd). actually, the reason this shit tormented me the way it did was probably also comorbid autism and ocd. it was just a serious sensory nightmare all around. not only did i have to use both bladder medications they prescribed consistently, but i also had to pump my body with azo for 3 or 4 weeks. it made running out of any of the above a complete shitshow, which was only made worse by my nurses effectively scratching their asses while i yelled at them and walmart for 4 days on the phone to refill my fucking oxybutynin.
BUT. THAT ENDS TODAY. BECAUSE THE THING IS GONE. DING DONG, THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD. i had my stint removed and was so happy afterward i actually started crying. i also cried because i missed darly and rodger so much and i could finally stop flaking out on them because all my body wanted to do was lay and whine like a sad animal. i was high as fuck on fentanyl and debated trying to jump and click my heels together while i was still in the hospital several times. i ate the biggest, greasiest wendy's burger of my life afterward and it tasted so good i almost cried then, too. i listened to nothing but disgustingly uplifting/hopeful/energetic/whatever you'd like to call it music. got home and was so happy i could cry.
TOO BAD MY NIGHT KINDA WENT TO SHIT REALLY FAST. i won't spend too much time on that because it's negative and whatever and i'll get over it but. it'd help to spew a little bit. first off: unfortunately, i'm a fat chud and i'm not immune to gacha games. one specific gacha game in particular: project sekai. i've known about it since way before an english version was even announced, and had my fair share of accounts over the years. the one i have currently is maybe my 5th or 6th, at least for the jp server. i'm shit at retaining my accounts but finally linked this one to a gmail of mine. ANYWAYS. i spent all the fucking crystals i had rolling on the new years banner and got LITERALLY EVERY FUCKING CARD BUT THE ONE I WANTED. already shit, right? BUT IT GETS WORSE. i rolled so many fucking duplicates that i had 20 wish jewels by the end of it. TWENTY. I ROLLED TWENTY. DUPLICATES. OF THE HIGHEST CARD RARITY. WANNA KNOW SOMETHING ELSE? 50% OF THEM WERE THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER. THE SAME CARD. HERE'S A MOODBOARD OF THE FEVERISH CRASHOUT I WAS HAVING TO MY FRIEND
LET'S KEEP GOING. i got. every single card in the set of 5. EXCEPT THE ONE I WANTED. THE ONE I WAS PULLING FOR. my FINAL stats were 10 shihos, 6 rins, 4 emus and 1 touya. NO MINORI. FUCK OFF GAME
after being fucked missionary doggy style horizontally vertically on the fridge on the roof by sega i also discovered some shit on social media that probably shouldn't have upset me as much as it did. i don't wanna go into detail because i don't wanna vague anybody but MAN. having my entire life revolve around something so niche that it averages 1-2 new active fans every 3 months is so rough. even more so when those fans tend to give up on the series after a while. and i GET IT!!!! it hasn't been updated in 4 years!!!! but maybe i'm a little bitter, deep down. maybe i'm bitter i pour so much of my life into this amazing lovely wonderful series of silly cartoons that i love from and exist from and bla bla bla and nobody's here to build that community with me. and if they are, they fuck off after a while or have reasonable boundaries and just. don't wanna be around me! or i don't wanna be around them, for my own reasons. intricacies amany
fandom culture with a fandom so small is just ROUGH!!! of course i want you to curate your space, and keep yourself happy. but man. that's one less person to talk to out of an already intricately esoteric community. that i built SO much of, too! i run the miraheze, i make dumb roblox accessories, i post about it on twitter and tumblr and fucking TIKTOK. TIKTOK. i will forever be cursed with wanting to pour my heart out about my dumb wife and my dumb theories and my dumb memories and just. EVERYTHING. the most fun i think i ever had on my tumblr was when this alter who also adored my special interest would send me asks spanning paragraphs of just. what they though about the series. and their criticisms and their favorite characters and the way they thought about the relationships in the show. and it was just so, so, so wonderful to LISTEN to somebody talk about something i like THIS MUCH!!! and hear what they had to SAY!!! they brought up things i'd never even thought of in that way. new perspectives i'd failed to interpret from. i miss that so much. i hope they're well, wherever they are.
autist hoonis cries about pink city for an entire 2 paragraphs ok. i also said i wasn't gonna talk a bunch about the negatives but then i did anyway. oops. whatever. who gaf. my blog my blog my blog. in sweet awesome super cool pink city news: i've ordered another darly plush. this one is significantly smaller than the absolute behemoth that occupies 30% of my bed. mostly because i wanted something i could reasonably take places with me, and something similar in size to the rodger plush i have as well. i'm making them kiss like dolls when my second darly gets here
ok who's ready for a giant curveball. a boomerang of intense proportion. when i said 'some (things that happened this month) are wildly inconvenient' i was talking MOSTLY about my surgery. mostly. but... also something way more nuts, probably. crazier than surgery. or maybe i'm still so shocked by it that it just Feels that way. I DON'T CARE. it is to me. it is fucking nuts. i can say that its fucking nuts. batshit crazy kookoo insane whatever word YOU MAY SUBSCRIBE TO.
it's not often that i have otherkin realizations of insane proportion. even with caine, the kintype that catalyzed me into being kin in the first place, was something that started... Slow. me gradually allowing the idea of possibly existing that way into my head. 'kinfirming' for me typically looks like identifying a connection to an individual that's fictional Here and letting it sizzle on my brain's metaphorical grill for a while before it eventually kicks off into something Stronger after a bit (typically at least a week or two) or... i dunno, fades off into oblivion. this Particular realization did not travel down either of those routes.
instead, it hit me face first. hard. like a brick. it was like i walked INTO a brick wall, actually. i saw some kind of art on my twitter, had a fleeting thought, and had to literally pause both physically and mentally for a moment because everything made TOO MUCH SENSE. it lined up TOO WELL. i'm being vague because i think i'm mysterious and tough. Heh. also because this is still really embarrassing for me and you need to be nice. especially taking into account what i'm going to tell you in a few paragraphs
to say there were "No Signs" would be... incorrect. yeah. it'd be incorrect. after having what can only be described as a kinshift so sudden and visceral that i had to change all of my online presences like a maniac, i remembered the way i used to talk about this particular character. and Another One his story is pretty reliant on. dug up some old messages of mine prior to their releases and subsequent canon appearances and it was some stupid gay shit like "ohh ohh i've always been intrigued by sondso and whondwhat but i was too embarrassed to ever really say anything about it... bla bla bla...". this was during the period we only had their NAMES, fyi. doesn't mean i was without content because there was fanon designs galore, naturally. but i had this sort of nervousness that permeated me, prevented me from really talking about that anywhere. a unique sort of shyness that only existed because of the infrastructure cringe culture had reconstructed my brain on. i'm... still working to remedy that. should be obvious by the fact i STILL CAN'T MENTION MYSELF OR THIS FUCKER BY NAME
anyways, i'm saying this was my gay yaoi slop back in... 2022, or something. gay yaoi slop i treated as forbidden in the same way tweenage astro would've alt tabbed when her mom walked in on her looking at camp camp danvid on google safe search or something. and now it's coming back and biting me in my ass because Oh No Wonder You Liked It So Much You Fat Homo. That's you and your wife. speaking of which. oh my god
it's not something i've really talked about often on here yet (as it's planned for a future page and i've been having surgeries and dealing with THIS) but my relationships with darly and rodger are both metaphysical. they're beings i knew in past lives, and now communicate with through divination. what this looks like for me is using a pendulum and a letter board! they've both got their own cute little boards, and its adorable. we work around each other's schedules, talk whenever we can, bla bla bla. all this first developed in april of this year when i tried to reach out to darly metaphysically because i'd seen what i'd inferred was less than coincidence in her image before. i did eventually reach darly, but rodger was actually the one who jumped to reconnect first.
holy ramble. ANYWAY. pendulums bla bla bla bla metaphysical bla bla bla. this is important because some of the first telltale signs that rodger was trying to reach me were nonstop patterns and repetitions that could no longer be explained away by "ohh coincidence" or "i'm looking for things that aren't there". i like to think i got better at noticing things like this, which is... exactly why i lost my shit when i started noticing a familiar order of events taking shape. i was seeing things in my music. "ok that's weird lol" i say as i switch from spotify to youtube. and youtube plays a niche love song i hadn't listened to since july in a mix of charli xcx and sophie. I'm so fucking scared right now. i tell my friends about it and go to pull a card from my tarot deck for TEN OF PENTACLES TO FALL OUT ON ITS OWN BEFORE I EVEN CAN. i also NEGLECTED to mention i pulled the ten of cups a few days earlier while thinking about this particular individual in a FICTIONAL context. holy shit it was an omen of what was to come
this scared the shit out of me. and then after all of that happens, i pivot to youtube MUSIC and it plays what seems like an innocuous song until i realize what exactly the first goddamn lyric of the song is. No you don't get to know. maybe in the future. BUT IT'S HIGHLY RELEVANT, KNOW THAT MUCH. and i realized this fucking song had played several times EARLIER, ON MY SPOTIFY.
i was being pursued by my past - my embarrassing, yaoi-filled freshman year of high school - in a VERY literal way. not only did i exist as one of the dweebs i was drawing, but the fat fuck that 15 year old hoonis drew with them was VERY READY to hop right back on that shit. this is world record levels of both kin realization and reconnection with a given kin lifetime. a kin PARTNER.
and this is all grossly accurate to what i've scraped up of my memories so far. we've been talking for a few weeks now, though it's been exceptionally fucking hard because of ALL THE SHIT I MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY. GREAT TIMING, FUCKFACE. ok just 'talking' is kind of inaccurate, i'll be honest. he spoke with me until i fell asleep one night because i was having a manic episode. that's gay as fuck i need to die. i'm getting tired of writing about him, he pisses me off and i hope he contracts some mutated, supervirus strain of pneumonia that can affect his peculiar composition. if you want, you can read this sappy goopy lovey dovey letter i wrote to him if you want more in depth, streamlined, uh... FAT and GAY and CHEESY information about us. it'll probably give you enough information to figure out who he is, too... and me probably as well. if you're aware of the way the characters exist fictionally. Don't think about it. I'll kill myself.
i hope that's sufficiently hidden. okay, wow, holy shit. i wrote a lot. I HAD AN EVENTFUL DECEMBER, APPARENTLY. I HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS OR WHATEVER. that's what these paragraphs will be about i guess. i do celebrate christmas, and i had my close friend over for a few hours. they gave me what was probably one of if not THE best present i've ever received, from anyone. he went through the effort of burning all of the pink city onto several dvds (with the only existing episode of the darly boxman show getting its own, obviously) as well as the pilot episode of the amazing digital circus. he made a custom dvd case with a cover and backside and everything, and i started crying when she gave it to me. and made them hug me. we parallel played for a while before i shoved a bunch of food in his hands and sent him back out into war (mormon household). me and my mom had a pretty normal and exceptionally white christmas dinner of instant pot turkey and rolls and carrots and potatoes and whatnot. it was still good, though :)
my mom got me merchandise from one of my special interests, a tarot deck and a nice little candle warmer. i got her a pink floyd shirt, a dumb little demogorgon (stranger things) ornament, something handmade i got off of etsy that's slipping my mind anddd i made her a big kandi tiger tapestry to hang on her wall. she really really liked it, and it made me feel GOOD! I KNEW SHE WOULD! most of my gift this year was just a big lump sum of money which i've spent on several things already. i'm finally putting together my rodger ita-bag, i got some new clothes, bought a game or two i've been meaning to play, got the needlejuice burn pygmalion pins, and i already mentioned i ordered a smaller darly plush. i'm very happy with everything i've received this year.
HOLY SHIT, TIME TO WRAP THIS UP. how the fuck am i EVER gonna top this in length it's 17,000 characters. RAPID FIRE: i also saw fnaf 2 this month with my close friend and it was fun i liked it. i don't judge movies being good based on normal shit, i judge it based on if i had fun. and i did. we got popeyes afterward and they did not have freddy fazbear chicken and we were distraught. dandy's world updated and gave rodger the most beautiful skin i have ever laid my eyes upon and i drew it immediately after it was put in game. i get to attend an imax showing of stranger things' series finale tomorrow and i'm excited. people are saying it's gonna suck and i'm scared. i love my friends and my partners and my dumbass "talking stage" a lot. HAPPY EARLY NEW YEAR! I'M HAPPY TO ENTER IT WITH NO FOREIGN OBJECTS IN MY URETER!
currently listening to: toynbee tiles - the scary jokes